WELCOME TO COÑOTICA
by Christian R. Vallez

Welcome, mga friends, to Coñotica-an academic community na built on the foundations of liberal education at corporate culture. Yup. This is Coñotica. Ang ideal place kung saan ipe-prepare ka for the corporate world!

Coñotica is an academic institution na where two of its goals is to make-turo the corporate culture and to make us gawa community development. Of course, siyempre, marami pang pillars ang Coñotica pero two lang ito sa maraming goals.

Pero wait lang. Bago ka maka make martsa sa graduation from Coñotica, you must learn the wika. Kasi, you know, ang language ng coñotica ang number one feature nito. Ito ang magiging primary tool to make you handa to face the real world.

Kailangan mong ma-master ang wika ng Coñotica? Why? It is the only way para ma-bridge natin ang gap ng corporate world at ng real world. Hmm. Medyo bomalabs ba? Can't make-kita huh? Gan'to 'yan. Kasi the corporate world uses English bilang language niya. Language kasi yan ng mga elitists lalo na ang mga rich di ba? Duh?! Where ka nakakita ng corporate level na meeting in Tagalog? That is so third world!

Meanwhile, sa real world, kung saan the students of Coñotica needs to apply the community development, Tagalog ang linggo. At hindi lang basta tagalog! It's street language or salitang-kanto. So how are we gonna make-ugnay the corporate world and the real world?
Tada! That is where papasok ang lengguahe ng Coñotica! Hindi lang siya simple Taglish. Hybrid siya ng Taglish, Elitist, English at salitang-kanto. And iyan ang minimake-aral ng mga estudyante ng Coñotica!

How very noble! Nagmake-imbento ang Coñotica ng isang exclusive language para ma make-ugnay ang corporate world at ang poor. In that way, magagawa na nila ang community development. Because somehow, the students can make-intindi to the poor the ideas of the corporate world through the language.

Ngayon, let me give the basics of the language. You know, it is very easy actually. It is very similar to Jessica Zafra's icoñography.

First, try mo na i-end o i-start ang sentence with a -ly word. Tulad ng actually, basically, at primarily, essentially, at iba pa.
For example: Actually, you've made her kwento na that e!
Second, i-insert mo in as many instances as possible ang the word like. Madalas, kadikit ito ng phrase na you know!
Example: Like you know...when you like...ask someone...like a teacher...how to like...for example...like...
Pangatlo is the use of the verb phrase make. Ito ang one of the important features ng language. To do this, kelangang maytagalog verb after the word make. Minsan, inuulit ang tagalog word, minsan hindi. Actually, depende yon sa length ng word.
Halimbawa: Can you make-paalam naman for me. Inuulit: Eeek! Can you make-apak-apak the ipis o!

Of course, onomatopoeic words are pwede: I have to go! My driver's making me pot-pot na!
Religious din ang language na ito because in most cases lalo na pag excited ang students, they always pray: My God! Nakita mo yung crush ko? He was making kaway na kanina to me; Oh my God! I'm bagsak na naman sa math test!; at pag irritated sa seatmate: God! Will you stop making me kalabit?

Lastly, pag naubusan na ng words or examples and stuff, you can use the words things, stuff, something, at pasukan mo ulit ng you know. Halimbawa ay...uhm...ah...basta you know like...uhm...stuff and things like...something like...ah...wala akong maisip eh. Basta something like that.

Ayan, you can now survive Coñotica and fulfill your roles in community development. Mas madali na nating i-fulfill ang roles natin as tulay to the poor. Wag mong kalimutang i-add ang basic icoñography na jake, pare, ijo de, whaw, sheht at coño. Pag namaster mo na ang lahat ng ito, pwede ka nang mag make martsa and be liberally educated Coñotica student ready to face the corporate world!