STORIES!!!!!!Ü

"Whose closet?"
> A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work.
> her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees
them and hides in the
> bedroom
> closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her
> lover in
> the
> closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
> The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says,
> "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have a baseball."
> Man - "That's nice."
> Boy - "Want to buy it?"
> Man - "No, thanks."
> Boy - "My dad's outside."
> Man - "OK, how much?"
> Boy - "$250"
> In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are
> in
> the
> closet together.
> Boy - "Dark in here."
> Man - "Yes, it is."
> Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
> "How much?"
> Boy - "$750"
> Man - "Sold."
> A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's
> go
> outside
> and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't, I
sold my baseball
> and my
> glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
> Boy -"$1,000"
> The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like
> that...that is
> way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church
> and
> make
> you confess."
> They go to the church and the father makes the
little boy sit in the
> confession
> booth and he closes the door.
> The boy says, "Dark in here."
> The priest says, "Don't start that shit again,
you're in my closet now"
> ----
NEXT...
> A group of kindergarteners was trying to become
accustomed to first
> grade.
> The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby
> talk.
> "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always
remind them. She
> asked
> Wendy what she had done on the weekend.
> "I went to visit my Nana."
> "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big
people words!"
> She then asked Joey what he had done. "I took a ride
on a choo-choo."
> She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big
people words."
> She then asked Eddie what he had done. "I read a
book," he replied.
> "That's wonderful," the teacher said. "What book did
you read?"
> Eddie thought about it, then puffed out his chest
with great pride and
> said, "Winnie the SHIT."
> ----

LAST ONE...
> A Filipino parked his brand-new BMW in front of his
office building,
> ready
> to
> show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truck passed too close
> and
> completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
>
> The Filipino immediately grabbed his cell
phone,dialled the police, and
> within
> minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the policeman
had a chance to ask
> any
> questions, the Filipino started screaming
hysterically as some of his
> office
> colleagues reached the scene too. His BMW, which he
had just picked up
> the
> day
> before, was now completely ruined and would never be
the same, no
> matter
> what
> the body shop did to it.
>
> When the Filipino finally calmed down from his
ranting and raving, the
> policeman
> shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't
believe how
> materialistic
> you
> Filipino people are," he said. "You are so focused
on your possessions
> that
> you
> don't notice anything else." "How can you say such
a thing? asked the
> Filipino.
>
> The policeman replied, "Don't you know that your
left arm is missing
> from
> the
> elbow down? It must have been torn off when the
truck hit you."
> "Oh My God!" screamed the Filipino. "Where's my
Rolex?"
....TSKTSKTSK...

-THE END-

How To Be A Better Couple
10 steps to enjoying each other better...

1. Be realistic about each other.
Don't try to turn ur partner into something he or she is not. Let's face it, guys-there's only 1 Pamela Anderson in the world, and even she has had her implants removed! Give ur gal a break and understand that her physical appearance is NOT goi ng to change overnite with the help of a few facials ! or treat ments. And ladies, Brad Pitt has already been taken, so u're gonna have to do with what ur guy is like! Chill out, love each other for what u are. There is more to ur partner than what meets the eye.

2. Always talk things out.
Now guys, I know this is not ur fave pastime or mode of resolving issues, but u know what? This works with the gals. Don't make assumptions about each other's feelings. Learn to xpress urself better so that ur partner undrstands what u're angry about, or hurt about, or even happy about! When u stop talking to each other from the heart, it's the beginning of the end.

3. Do stuff together.
Make an effort to do t hings together. Do some sports or involve urselves in some shared activities; something both of u enjoy or are interested in. It could be as simple as watching movies together, or jus strolling hand-in-hand down Orchard Road. Watch soccor with him once in a while though the green patch on TV puts u to sleep in 3 seconds. And guys, do give in if ur gal asks for another day at window-shopping, rather than suggest that she go out with her girlfriends for "that sort of activities" instead. If u're spending more time with ur friends rather than with ur partner, it's a warning sign that u're drifting apart!!!

4. Meet each other halfway.
If he agrees to throw out that rotten T-shirt with the "The_Rock" print, u shouldn't kick up much of a fuss if he asks u to keep ur room tidy. There's gotta be a little giving and taking in a relationship, so learn to meet each other halfway.

5.Show ur love
Buy her flowers or candy or perfume everynow and then, even if u have been together for 5years. It's wonderful to continue showing someone that u care for him or her. Cook him a special meal, paint him a Valentine's Day card. Knit him mini-socks he can't wear ( like for decoration purposes => ), buy him a packet of milk for breakfast, or pack his wardrobe for him...so he knows u can still be romantic and loving despite having been together for quite a while.

6. Respect each other.
Stop making jokes about her hair or skin, or whatever it is u love to laugh at. Ask urself if she thinks if its funny. And if he has an inferiority complex about his height, stop ogling at tall guys and make him feel worse! Love is about respecting each other's feelings and being sensitive to each other at all times.

7. Bury the past.
Stop bringing up the past. Gals..don't bring up the happy things about u and ur ex to ur guy, it would jus make him jealous or unhappy. And guys, don't talk about the happy times that u had with ur ex or mention about her in ur every other sentence as it would make ur gal feel un-happy and she might think that u saying all this b'cos u are gonna g et back with ur ex or not interested in her anymore.< /P>

8. Sit on ur jealousy.
All of us go thru' spells of insecurity at the beginning of the relationship, but don't translate that insecurity into jealousy. If u're gonna go through ur partner's mail and cupboard, and eavesdropping on conversations, u know something is wrong - with u!!! Jealousy is like a poison that slowly spreads thru' the relationship before finally kil ling it. Trust ur partner; love has to have trust in it.

9. Keep ur commitments to each other.
If ur partner is standing u up all the time and cancelling dates and breaking promises, u need to talk! If u're in a relationship, make ur partner ur priority and don't disappoint them if u can help it. It's really terrible when someone promises to take u to dinner, and then calls to cancel it. Don't make promises u can't keep. If ur partner starts to feel that he/she is not important enough to u, u may jus lose him/her.

10. Be honest.
Honesty is not scowling at how awful she looks first thing in the morning, or telling him that he has the biceps of a fly~! When we say "be honest", we mean expressing ur feelings clearly, not being bitingly cruel. When u're hurt, say so, and when u're angry, tell him/her, w/o getting hysterical. If u can't be honest with ur partner, w ho can u be honest with? æ Love is also about honesty, and a relationship where no honesty exists probabl! y isn't worth it!Ü

just sharing!!!!!Ü

TRIVIA:
>
>Aoccdrnig to a rseearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it
>deosn't mttaer in
>waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny
>iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
>frist and lsat ltteers are at the rghit pclae. The
>rset can be a toatl mses
>and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is
>bcuseae we do not
>raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

TAKE HOLD OF EVERY MOMENT
>
>
>
>
> A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk
> paper wrapped package:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "This, - he said - isn't any ordinary package."
>
>
>
>
>
> He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "She got this the first time we went to New York, 8 or 9 years ago. She
> has never put it on. Was saving it for a special occasion.
> Well, I guess this is it. He got near the bed and placed the gift box
> next to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house, his wife
> had just died. He turned to me and said:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a
> special occasion".
> I still think those words changed my life.
>
>
>
>
>
> Now I read more and clean less.
>
>
>
>
>
> I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
>
>
>
>
>
> I spend more time with my family, and less at work.
> I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up
> to, not survived through. I no longer keep anything. I use crystal
> glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i
> feel like it.
>
>
>
>
>
> I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever
> I want to. The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from
> my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see,
> listen or do it now. I don't know what my friend's wife would have done
> if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell.
> I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends.
> She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to
> think she would go out for Chinese, her favourite food. It's these small
> things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come.
>
>
>
>
>
> I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would
> meet, letters... letters that i wanted to write "One of this days".
> I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brothers and
> sons, not times enough at least, how much I love them.
> Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring
> laughter and joy into our lives.
> And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day.
> Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.
> If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because,
> probably, there's someone you care about.
> If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to
> yourself that you will send it "One of these days", remember that "One
> day" is far away... or might never come....
>
> This TANTRA came from India. No matter if you're superstitious or not,
> spend some time reading it.
> It holds useful messages for the soul.Ü

Hello,

Think about this thing I will tell you, para stin lahat to. Aminin nyo
o hinde, totoo to. Nga pala po, dito nyo nalang po ako email

Nakakatawa how one falls in love then falls out of it...

It's funny rin how one would die looking for it, while one would just
let it die...

It's ridiculous how each and everyone of us is very much affected by
love...

And it's a wonder how everyone lives because of LOVE...

Ako po ito,

Ethel


Well, here is a story...


In a dream, GOD told me, that I could pick up any
woman I like from His
field. BUT I have to choose only one. Once na
nakapili na ako, I have to

raise my hand as a signal that I finally found her,
then go back to GOD
for
praise. But NO!!! May isa pang kondisyon -- I
could never turn back.
Once nalampasan ko, I should move on. So sabi ko,
GOD surely won't give
me
rotten crops of women. I have been a good son and I
deserve to be with a
good woman. I was confident I'll get the best pick.



So my journey began. As I went through the field,
nakita ko ang iba't
ibang klase ng babae. Some were tempting me to pick
them up. And some
were indeed tempting to pick up. Pero sabi ko,
baka may mas maganda, mas

mabait, mas matalino, mas masipag, mas mahal ako sa
dulo ng field na ito.

So I let go. Once. Twice. Thrice. I believed
fervently that in the end

of the field is my princess, waiting for me with
open arms.



Then I saw a woman. She looked at me straight in
the eye and blew a kiss
.
Our gazes met and I don't know why, pero there was
something in her that

I longed for. I felt as if something was drawing me
to her. Pero di
pwede. I have to make it to the end of the field.
Baka sabihin ni God,
atat ako tsaka wala akong patience. Naisip ko If
habang lumalayo ako,
nakakakita ako ng ganitong klase ng babae, baka as I
move further eh may
mas hihigit pa sa kanya.



Until, I reached the end of the field. And wala
akong nakita!!!



GOD asked me, "Di ba napakakulit mo, araw-araw na
ginawa ng Diyos...ay,
ako
pala yun... eh nagdadasal ka na magkaroon ng perfect
partner in life,
bakit
ngayon wala kang dala. My crops are all fresh and
good. There is nothing

there not ready and good for picking."



I answered, "I thought I would see someone at the
end of the field . Eh
dyuskupo, wala na pala . I thought that each step I
took brought me
closer
to perfection when in fact, each step brought me
closer to nothingness. I

remembered that woman who was looking at me. I know
she's the one but I
let
her go, believing na there's someone better at the
end of the field. Oh,
darn it!"



God said, "I'm sorry my child, but I have given you
enough time to
choose.
You should face reality and its consequences."



With my head bowed down I said, "I'm sorry I
wasn't brave enough to
raise my hand in the middle of the field and commit
myself to someone. I
was not ready to face the challenges of life with
someone I thought was of

lesser value than me...I'm sorry."



Nagising akong umiiyak, saying sorry to GOD and
feeling sorry for my self
and my life. Then I realized that GOD is giving me
another chance to
choose but not in His field but in the field of
uncertainty. Now, I'm
thinking about that woman in the field, the woman I
felt was for me,
wondering what might have been if I raised my hand
the moment I saw her.



Then it hit me. What is the meaning of all my
hardship to be successful
and wealthy? I may become the most powerful and
successful person on
earth but if I don't have that someone whom will I
share my love and
happiness with, then it will not be worth anything.



Para sa ating lahat 'to. Think about it. We are
not getting any younger.

Explore GOD's field. I'm sure nandyan lang sya sa
tabi-tabi. Maaring in

the beginning, in the middle or in the end. It's
for you to find out.
But
most importantly, it's for you to choose. It's a
part of the whole
concept
of love. It's a risk you have to take, a decision
you have to make. And
once you have decided on it, there's no turning
back. Bear in mind that
with this comes the courage to raise your hand and
declare that you've
found your match, whether you're at the beginning,
in the middle or at the

end of your journey. Or else, you'll regret it.



At ang huling phase ng lahat ng yan eh ito lang --
once you've raised your

hand, go back to God and thank Him. In short,
maging kontento ka sa
napili
mo. Ikaw naman ang pumili nyan eh. All He did was
to give you options.
And since He gave you that privilege, consider it a
blessing .


tama!wehehehe...Ü

BAKIT TAYO NAGMAMAHAL?!

why do we love ba?
so we can have somebody to talk to?
someone who can be there pag gusto natin gumala?
a person na pwedeng manlibre satin?
taong magbibitbit ng gamit mo?

ALALAY for short!

eh pano kung di ka nya mahal?
would you still love him/her?
would you still continue to care for that
person?

bakit naman hinde?

you didnt love that person para magkaroon ka ng
alalay,
magkaroon ka ng instant meal dahil libre,
taong gagawa ng assignments mo or projects,
or taong mahihila mo if you want to go out...

if thats what you think about love well sorry
ang BABAW mo!

loving a person doesn't need to have a criteria
na dapat maganda o guwapo,
dapat mabait or understanding,
kasi once you fall inlove you take the risk of
accepting dat person
kahit maingay sya matulog, yung hilik ng hilik
kahit matakaw sya o sobrang fat na hindi kayo
kasya pag puno ang jeep!
kahit sobrang moody nya na kulang nalang ay
sapakin mo sa inis!
yung sobrang selosa/seloso na pati barkada
pinagseselosan..
badtrip diba?
and yung napaka-arte OA kung baga!
o kahit ano pang things
that would turn you off...

hirap tlaga magmahal trying to be PERFECT kase
gusto mong magtagal
pero hindi yun ang sagot sa lahat...

ACCEPTING the real person fully

kase if you said na mahal mo sya you dont need
to find answers
kung bakit mo sya mahal...
kase lahat ng tao nagbabago but if you accept
that person
magbago man sya in the middle of your
relationship
hindi ka masasaktan kase you know that darating
din yun..
tsaka tanggap mo sya ng buo...

mahirap gawin pero masarap subukan dahil
wala ng sasaya pa if you let one person feel na
MAHAL NA MAHAL mo sya without asking 4 anything
return...

then you can say wow un pla ang

LOVE!




Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the
imperfections.... ü

======
Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,

And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly
Endlessly [B4-4]

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang
napakalaking
oxymoron. Lahat ng
pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at
totoo
pa rin.


Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.


Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo
naiintindihan pero
naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason.
Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit
magmahal. Pero okey lang.
Leche, ano ba talaga?!


May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only
for
stupid people."
Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero
dumating ang
panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun,
tanga
na siya ngayon.
Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging
oxymoron
din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.


Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig.
Lahat
ng bagay
nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao,
humihina. Ang
mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang
pakialam,
nagiging Mother
Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang
malulungkot,
sumasaya.


Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya
sa
mga taong ayaw na
talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung
gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang
ang
magic words na
"Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na
siya.
Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.


Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng
ibang tao, ang galing
galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung
pinag-uusapan parang
nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa
namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali
dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring
tama?


Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong
tinamaan
ng madugong pana ng
pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala.
Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko
mamatay. Now na!"


At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng
mga
taong alam naman
nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa
rin
sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na
yung puso nila,
siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan.
Siya! "Bakit
niya 'ko
sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader
yon,
at pagbabagsak ng
pinto.


Hayop talaga.


Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga
bagay
na nakakatawa 'pag
pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses
ko na
kasi siya nakasalubong
kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.


Pero wala pa rin akong alam.


Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang
katotohanang kapag gusto
magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng
ari-arian mo dahil
siguradong ikaw ang punchline.


Nakakatawa no?


Nakakaiyak.


A girl and a boy were on a motorcycle, speeding
through the night. They

loved each other a lot..

Girl: "slow down a little.. I'm scared.."

Boy: "No, it's so fun.."

Girl: "please..it's so scary.."

Boy: "Then say that you love me.."

Girl: "Fine..I love you..can you slow down now?"

Boy: "Give me a big hug.."

The girl gave him a big hug.

Girl: "Now can you slow down?"

Boy: "Can you take off my helmet and put it on?
It's uncomfortable and its bothering me while i
drive."

The next day, there was a story in the
newspaper. A motorcycle had crashed into a
building because its
brakes were broken. There were two people on the
motorcycle, of which one died, and the other had
survived......

The guy knew that the brakes were broken. He
didn't want to let the girl know, because he knew
that the girl would have gotten scared.
Instead, he was told the last time that she
loved him, got a hug from
her, put his helmet on her so that she can live,
and died himself.

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus"?

Well, here's a prime example offered by an English
professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form of
composition called the tandem story. The process is
simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
then write the first paragraph of a short story. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth.
Remember to reread what has been written each time in
order to keep the story coherent. There is to be
absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say
must be written on the paper. The story is over when
both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my
English students:

Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name
deleted.

-----------------------------
STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she
wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite
for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much
of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all
costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.

-----------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more
important things to think about than the neuroses of
an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom
he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established.
No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out
of his seat and across the cockpit.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically
brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings
for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one
morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth,
when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree,
with no newspapers to read, no television to distract
her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds
to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the
Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth
a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian
ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough
firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one
to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret
Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off
the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his
fist on the conferencetable. "We can't allow this! I'm
going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the
sky!"

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent,
chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic
whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent
of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I
have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an
air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele
novels."

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

Asshole.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Bitch.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

Wanker.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Slut.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

Get f****d.

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Eat s**t.

-----------------------------

(Rebecca)

F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

-----------------------------

(Gary)

Go drink some tea - whore.

************************************************
(Teacher)

A+ - I really liked this one.

1.What is a KISS?
> >
> > It's an upper PREPARATION for a lower INVASION
> > that will lead to further PENETRATION with fast
> > ACCELERATION that will build next GENERATION.
> >
> >2. Latest Statistics: What men do after sex?
> > 2% eat.
> > 3% smoke cigarettes.
> > 4% take a shower.
> > 5% go to sleep.
> > 86% get up and go back home to their wives.
> >
> >3. Why is your dick better than a credit card?
> > (a) Once spent recharges itself.
> > (b) It is accepted worldwide.
> > (c) You can let your wife use it as much
> > as she wants.
4. LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that
> > our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
> >
> > MUM: You mean it's small?
> > LITTLE GIRL: No it's salty!!!
> >
> >
> >5. A couple recently married was happy with
> > the whole thing.
> > He was happy with the hole, and she was
> > happy with the thing.
> >
> >6. A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
> > The lady sitting next to him asked: Are
> > they your babies?
> >
> > MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and
> > these are customer COMPLAINTS.
> >
> >7. Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down
> >
> > 5. I am a virgin.
> > 4. It is so big.
> > 3. I can't do that to my best friend.
> > 2. I won't gain weight after marriage
> > 1. I am coming! I am coming!!!
> >
> > 8. A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play
>magic.?
> > She says: What is that?
> > He says: We go Home, screw, and then you disappear.
> >
> > 9. What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
> >
> > Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts
> > 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are
> > F*CKED!!!
> >
> >
> >10 . Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
> >
> > A Kid replied : The legs...because everynight I see my mum's
> > legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".
> >
> >11. Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
> >
> > Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend
> > say "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".
> >
> > 12. What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
> >
> > Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is
over,
> > but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.
> >
> > 13. AGES OF VAGINA:
> >
> > -16 to 19 BRAND NEW.
> > -20 TO 28 SLIGHTLY USED
> > -29 TO 36 SECOND HAND
> > -37 TO 45 SUBJECT TO REPAIR
> > -46 TO 55 FOR LUBRICATION
> > -56 TO 60 TOTAL WRECK
> > -61 TO 70 CLOSED FOR RENOVATION!!!!!!!
> >
> > 14. MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger
> > touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches
> > your pussy say STOP!
> >
> > GIRL : But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T
>STOP!!!!"
> >
> >
> >15. GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES
> >
> > 9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
> > 7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
> > 6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
> > 5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
> > 4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
> > 3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
> > 2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR
> > TONGUE!!!

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

"The second engineer nodded approvingly, 'Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Three

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Four

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts (or MDiv.)? degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Five

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.. "

The last one said, "Actually it must have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an
enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said,"Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

Why do engineers read Playboy?
For the same reason the rest of us read National Geographic. To see places they never get to visit.

__________________________________________________________________
Understanding Engineers - Take Ten

A lawyer, a theologist and an engineer met in a Mexican bar and got drunk together.

They woke up and found themselves in a jail. The warden came and told them they were to be electrocuted for some obscene crime they have done while drunk.

First up was the lawyer, he was placed in an electric chair. The warden threw the switch and nothing happened. Feeling that it was the will of God, the warden let the lawyer go. The lawyer exclaimed that i! t is the Mexican justice system that has spared him.

Next came the theologist. Again the warden threw the switch and nothing happened. Again he was free to go. The theologist thanked the Lord and exclaimed that God has imposed justice on him.

When the engineer was ready for the chair, he exclaimed to the warden:"Oh, I see what the problem is!"

which dessert are you?

No cheating. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists
think
about you! After taking
this dessert personality test, send this message on to others, but when
you do, be sure to put your choice of dessert in the subject box above.

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which
would you choose? (Sorry
you can only pick one)

Angel food
Brownies
Lemon Meringue
Vanilla with Chocolate Icing
Strawberry Short Cake
Chocolate on Chocolate
Ice Cream
Carrot Cake

NO ... You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think
carefully
what your choice will be!

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about
you!

Angel food ...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy
items..A
little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end
of
the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

Brownies...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out
your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and
direction. You tend to be very loyal.

Lemon Meringue...Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an
excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to
walk
and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have
many
friends.

Vanilla with Chocolate Icing ....Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very
grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys
being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be
cautious
in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

Strawberry Short Cake ....Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt. You can be
overly emotional and annoying at times.

Chocolate on Chocolate ...Sexy, always ready to give and receive.Very
creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You have a cold
exterior
but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle
for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

Ice Cream...You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,
basketball,
or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but you enjoy
watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend
to
be self-centered and high maintenance.

Carrot Cake...You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh.You
are
fun to be with. People
like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a
little
quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

...i prefer brownies, chocolate on chocolate and ice cream!Ü